When you train enough dogs… you learn a lot about human
behavior, both bad and good. One interesting phenomenon is the Blame Game. Here’s an example of how
that works.
A retired couple decides to get a puppy. They are used to
living with adult dogs, and it’s been years since they had a puppy. They are
used to the old dogs they had previously puttering around the home, low maintenance,
easy affection, low drives, running on automatic. Things have changed in their
lives over the years. They also find themselves puttering around the home, living
a low maintenance lifestyle, easy affection from family and friends, low drives,
running life on automatic.
Now, along comes this energetic puppy. At first, they
figure the puppy will just go along and get along. So, no planning went into
this adoption or purchase. They didn’t count the cost in advance, didn’t think
this through. First problem: peeing and pooping in the home. Next problem:
jumping and biting and chewing. Their response often is to react, not train the
puppy. I’ve seen a lot of puppies that have been hit by retired folks. Hitting
isn’t training, it is abusive. But, they don’t see it that way at this point.
They think they are training the puppy, yet behaviors keep getting worse. In
some cases, the puppy mouthing becomes true aggression as the owners hit the
dog more and more.
Then, they often start arguing among themselves. Maybe
the husband wanted the puppy, but the wife didn’t. The Blame Game starts.
They blame the untrained dog for not being trained. They
blame each other for the dog situation, and start arguing. The extended family
gets involved, and starts blaming the dog, their parents/ grandparents. Hurt
feelings begin to develop.
After enough “do it yourself” attempts to train the puppy,
they decide to get professional help. This is where I am asked to step in. I’ve
seen this situation a million times… “If we can’t get this fixed, then we will
have to get rid of the dog”, is the typical thing I’m told.
This is now the fork in the road. Some go one way, others
go the other way.
The first way is that they hire me, I start lessons, but
I soon find out they are just letting it go in one ear and out the other. Each
time I come back, there are excuses for why they didn’t do any of the lessons.
Or they have forgotten what I told them, lost their notes, didn’t get the
required supplies, and so on. They will start to insinuate that it is now my
fault that the dog isn’t getting better. The Blame Game is still going on, but
now I’m also one of the the lightning rods. They always find something or someone
else to blame. I try to gently but clearly encourage them, at first, to do the
lessons, because that will solve the issues. I know, because I do this every
day. But, soon, if they aren’t doing anything, just giving lip service to the
training, and still blaming the dog and everyone else, I need to ask them if
they are truly committed to training the dog. They will, at first, say they
are, or will try 40 different ways of avoiding answering the question. I know
where this is going, soon I will be told they are giving up on the dog. It is
the dog’s fault. And they are too old, too busy, wanted a different lifestyle,
the wife didn’t want a dog in the first place, the extended family has talked
them out of it, and so on. So they get rid of the dog, now with behavioral
problems they created, and I never hear from them again.
The second way is that they hire me, I start lessons,
they do the homework, and in a relatively short period of time, the problems
melt away. These folks often do full obedience work with the dog. They aren’t any
younger than this other couple. Don’t have more time. Don’t have more money.
Don’t have fewer age related health issues. They just have one different thing:
they don’t do the Blame Game. They don’t blame the dog. They don’t blame me. They
made the decision to train the dog, and not fool around. They get in there and
do what needs to be done. They keep their scheduled appointments. Pay in
advance. Every time I show up, I can tell they have been working with the dog.
They take notes. They are ready for the lesson when I arrive. The puppy turns out
perfectly into a well behaved adult, and all is well. In this case, they knew
it was them, not the dog, that needed help, and that leads to success.
In the other case, it is them, not the dog... they just don't want to admit it.
I see variations of this kind of thing, not just with
retired couples. I see this with young folks, who neglect their puppies for the
first couple of years, and then the adult dog becomes dangerously aggressive. I’ve
seen young folks who got a dog, locked it in their room for 2 years, and then
the dog got to the point it wasn’t safe to be around any strangers. They had
time to go out with their friends, just no time for the dog. Yet, other young
people, college age, don’t neglect their dogs, do socialize them, do the
training, and such, and their dogs turn out perfectly. In the first case, it is
them, not the dog. In the successful case, they didn’t blame the dog, or do stupid
training, they got in there and did what needed to be done. They accepted it was them, not the dog.
So, if you see someone say it isn’t them, it is the dog…
you know the real answer. It’s them. Not the dog.
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